So, you have spent the whole day trying to fit a new back door with your Beloved. You have managed to shop, walk the dogs and clean the kitchen in preparation for the baking you have promised to do for your friend’s party tomorrow. Now you have cleaned and fed the birds this morning, but because you have not had time, they have been stuck in their houses all day. Parrot has been whistling, belching, and singing “The Bright Side of Life” in the front room, in an attempt to catch your attention. Crow has been shouting for food and pretending that she can’t possibly eat from a dish and needs to be hand fed. Both are bored, needing quality time with you.
You look at their little faces, and feel sorry for them, and so you should. They are used to being out and about.
You decide that they can mooch about while you make the quiches and cakes; after all, you can keep an eye on them to make sure that they don’t get up to anything. Can’t you?
Bring Parrot into kitchen and sit him on a towel folded over the sink as he is more destructive, and you can watch him more easily there. Put a few vegetables nearby and tell him they are; “MINE!”, in the vain hope that he will steal and eat them. Put Crow on floor and throw a paper ball for her to run after and play with.
Put on new apron, present from sister, with, “Domestic Goddess” written across the front in big letters. Pose in front of the mirror which is well splattered with water, as Crow has her bath and then shakes herself dry in front of it. Pick up an electric hand mixer, hold this in one hand while holding a large vodka and orange in the other. Pose in front of the murky mirror again.
Put down the mixer, take a slug of the vodka and put that down too, then move Parrot away from spice rack which he is emptying, throwing cardamom and paprika onto the floor. Put him back onto his towel being careful not to trip over Crow who is begging for tidbits at your ankle.
Wash your hands then line a large tray with pastry you have prepared earlier. Oh all right, so the preparation consisted of buying it from the supermarket and thawing it out, but what the heck. Chuck a piece of pastry at Crow who is begging at your ankle again.
Remove Parrot from window where he has climbed and is now beheading your geraniums, throwing scarlet petals everywhere. Put him back on his towel and try not to trip over Crow.
Take another large slug of vodka, and start to cut up bacon to put into quiche.
Drop a bacon rind to Crow who is begging at your ankle and move Parrot onto his towel, first retrieving the stock cubes he has broken into. Sprinkle bacon bits into quiche base and nudge Crow away with foot as she is tapping your ankle quite hard now in an effort to attract your attention. Retrieve Parrot from spice rack
Decide that Crow can go into other room by herself, after all; how much trouble can one flightless bird get into? Shut door between you and Crow, refill glass with vodka and take Parrot away from the geraniums again.
Quickly slice mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers and whisk up some eggs. Throw the lot on top of the bacon. Sprinkle some cheese on top – yes, it was already grated, by me – and shove the damn thing in the oven.
Swear at the dog who has opened the door to escape from Crow, who has also come back in to beg. Send dog upstairs so he can have some peace and send Crow back into front room.
Take Parrot upstairs and pass to Beloved telling him that Parrot needs quality time with him. Downstairs again, try not to slip on shredded vegetables strewn across floor.
Take a deep breath and a slug of vodka. Notice with alarm that glass is nearly empty. Refill.
You are now beginning to feel quite mellow. Start making cakes which is surprisingly difficult as your fingers are going numb. Once the cakes are in the oven you realise that all is quiet next door. Check on Crow.
She has removed the cork from a demijon of your homemade rocket fuel. Having sampled the contents she is now trying to pick the lock on Ruby’s vivarium. Ruby is a boa constrictor and is watching her from the other side of the glass with great interest. Put Crow back in kitchen, check that rocket fuel is reasonably uncontaminated by Crow, and stick bung and airlock back in top.
Decide you have had enough and put Crow into her house when she comes over and taps your ankle again. Tell her to bugger off and ignore her outraged look. Surprisingly it does not hurt but will be bruised in the morning and you will wonder what has happened.
Beloved brings Parrot back downstairs. Parrot looks smug when he realises that Crow has been put to bed, but then is put to bed himself. Pretend you don’t hear him making farting noises when you leave the room.
Take cakes which are now done out of the oven and put them on a cooling rack. They look and smell great. Ignore the bird induced mayhem in the kitchen and sit down and pour yourself a drink. You deserve it.